Click Here to Subsribe to the 'The Vance Report' Feed I have never met a single mother in China. Not one. Do they exist? Sure, but even in a country of 1.4 billion people, they are few and far between. And if you do happen to run into a single mother, it is more than likely that she lost her husband through a divorce or early death. Women choosing to keep their babies out-of-wedlock in China is almost unheard of.
“I spent a few weeks last winter taking care of a friend who had an abortion,” an acquaintance of mine related to me during my recent trip to western China. “She had a boyfriend in University who got her pregnant and she really had no choice but to get rid of it.”
“Did anyone suggest to her that she keep the baby and at least give it up for adoption?” I asked.
“Of course not,” came the reply. “Having a baby without a husband could have ruined her chance to graduate from university and have a successful career.” According to my friend, the boyfriend had no intention of marrying the girl as the relationship was not that serious.
Unlike in America, where organizations like Planned Parenthood are supposed to present other options to mothers who are contemplating an abortion, there is no such counsel given in China. If a woman is single and pregnant in China, there is only one option; the baby must go.
Not that keeping a baby out-of-wedlock in China would be easy. Most university students in China are completely dependent on their parents for financial support and choosing to have a baby would place an extra burden on them. Just as my friend suggested, for many young women, choosing to have a baby could very well mean the end of their higher education.
But even more importantly, there is still a strong social stigma that is placed on women in China who have children before they are married. It is simply not culturally acceptable.
“It would bring shame on her family,” explained my friend. While the age old tradition in China of ‘checking the sheets’ after the wedding night to make sure the bride was a virgin may be fast fading away, most Chinese parents are afraid of ‘losing face’ in front of their family members in friends. An unmarried daughter with a child would be a constant source for rumors and gossip. Having sex before marriage is one thing, but having a baby before marriage would most definitely bring shame upon the girl’s entire family. And then there would be the question about who the girl could marry someday. It would take a special man to marry a single mother in China and the wedding process, which is so important in Chinese culture, would be naturally tainted in the eyes of the girl’s relatives.
Thus, there is no such thing as pro-choice China. There is only one choice; the baby is sacrificed to secure the future of the girl. In China, an abortion procedure is as common as having one’s tonsils removed.
“She was only one month pregnant when she had the abortion,” my aquaintance told me. “She didn’t see it as a person. It was just a medical procedure.”
Yet, according to my friend, the girl that she took care of suffered both physically and emotionally from the experience.
“It was a horrible thing for her to go through,” my friend admitted. “She was very sad.”
As was I when I heard this story. The girl never had a choice and the baby never had a chance.
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I liked very much the article and comments.
I feel that china, though talked about this and that, it maintains the regular rules of human being, cos cehating and not cheating is just a matter of making a messed world full of irregularities in the social life.
But, I would rather like to know from reaaly chinese not those who passed china like me, considering the way you people live and maintain the social ties, how about marring a foreigner who sees the chinese as good wifes. Coz in the wstern world there are no longer many real marriages.
I don’t knpw if I made it clear.
Thanks to who thinks is a right question and sorry to those that may consider oddly based question
Ben
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is it possible for forigners to fly to china for abortion services??
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There are many single mothers in China, and no divorced. I even know teenage single mothers. Live in China change all the time, it is better and better for everyone.
Also have many with more than 1 child My friend have 3 children all born since 1990 is no problem all have Hou Kuo to and city born.
Tradition change more modern now.
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For many years, the Western media has been promoting sex out of wedlock, homosexality… and has been very successful in the west… now you are promoting the same stuff in China vie paid fifth columns such as Ms. Li Yinhe, who promote radom sex and homosexuality in China… What do they want? …destroying China as a moral community and make it weak and decadent …
The fact that Chinese society don’t tolerate bastardization of the nation shows that China still has HOPE…
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I am happy for China. It shows that China, corrupted as it is, is still not as corrupt and decadent as you guys…
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I am a Chinese, female, I think Robert made a very incisive point. No Chinese men would marry a woman with a ‘bastard’ child, not even a divorced woman with a child. To raise a child properly in China demands tremendous financial resources which are usually provided by the husband – the head of household. This is one factor. The traditional roles usually entail a husband who makes bread and supports the family, and a wife works at an easy job and raises the child. With the man having a lot more financial leverages, he can go out there finding prostitutes or Ernais, which has been a long-established tradition. The most ironic and tragic part is women are enabling this tradition. It is equivalent to western gold diggers, “when you got the gift, you might just capitalize on it while you can, because in the end, your husband will cheat on you anyway”. Adultery in China is going both ways nowadays, especially among those born after the 80’s. The better or worse, at least women are enjoying more sexual freedom, but again, it came with another price – abortions. Many women are not well informed about different contraceptive options. Besides, oral contraceptives in China have a lot more side effects than western ones. So many young women have to resort to abortions as a way of birth control. The end result for Chinese women is lose-lose
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I disagree, DSR. The emphasis should be on cultural factors as opposed to economic ones. Because abortion procedures aren’t terribly expensive — certainly not in my city, anyway. The fees posted on the huge billboard are amazingly low by comparison with what women will pay in the States for comparable services. Besides, I’m sure a Chinese family will go to great lengths financially to prevent shame and preserve honor. Also, from an independence/”maturity” standpoint, I’m inclined to think that college girls who “get in trouble” here in China are much more likely to suck it up and turn to their parents, despite the consequences they’ll face, than girls in the States, who often tend to get things sorted out on their own. ‘Cuz all too often the college students here are WAY less “street-savvy” than their Western counterparts.
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I’m surprised you dwell so much on the reason being cultural, while you almost ignore one of the main reasons is economical especially for college girls.
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“In China, an abortion procedure is as common as having one’s tonsils removed.”
Thank you, RV. Now I completely understand why a massive billboard near my city’s bus station is advertising abortion services the way billboards back in the West promote cars and new condo complexes. I figured it had to do with tradition, the shame of “bastard” children, the one-child policy, etc. But I just couldn’t see how they could be so open about it. Your piece offers useful insight and context.
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It’s always been my feeling that about 60-70% of all mothers in china are basically single anyways.
Nearly all of my students tell me that their fathers are so busy they never come home from work, living in another apartment closer to their job (which may be as close as a 10 minute bus ride, 2 hours drive away, or even in another country.)
And this is commonplace.
Asian culture (especially the chinese) is incredibly misogynistic and phalocentric. Men cheat on their wives / girlfriends with little to no regard for their spouse, while the wives could never do the same, lest they receive huge amounts of public shame.
My girlfriend for example, her and her mother know that their father has a regular affair. He even lives in an apartment with the mistress, and they know about her.
Not a day goes by that a student doesn’t tell me that their daddies are never home.
Well, brothels are everywhere here for a reason…
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@ Mr. Vance
My story is somehow close to Cayron’s (Enjoy English Volume 1 Issue 10). It was not set China. While single mothers are rare like gems in China, some are learning to accept it. I even know of one who made a positive use of it. From my observation, it didn’t bring shame to her family. Instead, it brought fortune.
Please don’t get me wrong, I do not condone this type of situation. I still believe in the sanctity of a family. One of the reasons why single mothers are very rare in China is because of close family ties. Add to that the fact they have a one-child policy.
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Robert, I know a few single mothers in China but I agree with your point.
One of them is divorced from an abusive husband and the other is a ernai.
It’s also rare for a mistress to have a child but in this case, the guy is
rich so that smooths things over with the 1st wife. That’s another huge problem
with China today and probably fuels a lot of the corruption.
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@TJ,
That’s an interesting comment. Can you expound a little bit? Do you think people looked at you differently somehow growing up because of this?
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Like most Asian people, the Chinese adhere to this fact. We, Asians, are conservative. Pre-marital sex is taboo. Everybody (not all, maybe) engages in it but we do not talk about it. To have a child out-of-wedlock brings great ramifications, good and bad. I should know, I am one…
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