Click Here to Subsribe to the 'The Vance Report' Feed Weddings in the Chinese countryside are expensive, and not just for the couple who is getting married. Recently, I had the unique opportunity to attend a wedding in China, and as a close friend of both families, I was expected to give a red envelope (hongbao 红包) to the blissful couple. And not just once. I had to give a red envelope three different times:
#1. Engagement Party – This involved alot of standing around, playing Majiang and eating fish. Lots of fish in many different forms. It also involved giving 100 RMB to the couple.
#2. The Wedding – I don’t think that my ears will ever be the same after these two weddings. From the moment I arrived, to the moment that I left, firecrackers were exploding all around me. The wedding also included a game of ‘Chase the Bride Around the Countryside’ and ‘Beat the Bride’s father.’ And there was more fish to be eaten. Total cost for me? Another 100 RMB.
#3. The Bows – The bows were supposed to have taken place on the next day (I was going back to my home the same night) but the wedding planners managed to ’squeeze’ it in to the schedule while I was still there. This involved the newly married couple bowing to each and every relative (dozens). It also involved me giving up another 100 RMB.
For me, parting with 300 RMB is nothing to complain about. As a foreign teacher, I make 2-3 times more than the average Chinese person so attending and ‘contributing’ to this wedding was not a big deal.
But it is a big deal for others, especially for the relatives who live in the countryside. Many of them are peasants who do not have a steady income. They survive because they find odd jobs to do and can grow vegetables on their land but their income varies from nothing to as much as (or ‘little as’ depending on how you look at it) 400 RMB in a month. According to the wedding custom that I witnessed, close relatives had to contribute 100 RMB. A family of three, for example, might feel compelled to give 900 RMB, which in the countryside, could easily be 3-4 months salary.
Close family members, regardless of their economic status, are expected to pay the same amount of money (other than the parents who actually pay more). And there is no such thing as an anonymous gift. A relative is often designated to write down the names and the exact gifts of all of the ‘givers’
In Chairman Mao’s time, this system of giving might have worked well. After all, nearly everyone was poor back then and ‘exchanging’ equal gifts at weddings would have fit in well with the Communist ideology.
But China has come along way from the 1950’s and 60’s and now, the “Haves” and the “Have Nots” are once again emerging in a society that is slowly turning towards Capitalism. On one hand, you have the rich relatives from the countryside who would barely stoop down to retrieve a 100 RMB bill while on the other hand, you have the countryside folk, many of whom have never even left their village.
“It’s not fair,” a Chinese friend agreed with me recently when I told her about the wedding. “Those people really shouldn’t have to pay the same amount of money,” she said.
“Do they really have to?” I asked curiously.
“They want to,” was the reply. “It is just part of Chinese tradition.” And she is right of course. Giving money to a newly married couple in China means good luck, both for you and for them. It like a karma system in which good luck is spread around through giving money.
At the wedding, I watched a young mother – who is married to a peasant farmer – sigh as she took 300 RMB from her purse to give to the new couple. I felt sorry for her. Life is often just too unfair in this developing country.
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In 2004 I attended a funeral, the almost-exact-opposite to a wedding in China if you will. One Chinese lady and her friend “advised” me to give at least 300 RMB, or 500 or 700, but not 900. The amount I stuffed into one white envelope ended up to be 1,000 RMB. I’m not a big spender, but the “final advise” of “wise-words” from these two ladies convinced me that the son of the deceased old man is an important figure in the community. I was tutoring the grandson of the deceased (one smart boy, son of the “important person”) at the time. Those women were in fact using MY MONEY hoping to BUY possible favours THROUGH ME in future, if they could also end up rubbing elbows with this “important” man. — I got my money back through doing other jobs for this man. Those female “advisors”? I’ve lost contact with them since. Does the “important” figure remember I gave 1,000 RMB for his father’s funeral? I doubted.
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This is my typical idea too…but actually I prefer the Chinese way now even though I’ll probably never get used to it. I often forget to get gifts for the bride and groom anyway… so to be able to just give money is a wonderful thing.
But 100 RMB??? Are you complaining? Where? I was in Shanghai for a while and my wife and I had to give 700-1000 RMB at different weddings. That was rough but I remember that they gave us that much too… so “what comes around goes around!”
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Farmers are known to be super savers. They might not make much but they do save a lot. Weddings are expensive but in the countryside they don’t often happen, so it’s not going to ‘bankrupt’ them economically as the article implies.
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What’s the point of generalizing in this article? No one is forcing them to give money away. I’ve been to 2 rural weddings where no money was given, instead families gave furnitures. In addition, you never say how much that person who gave 300RMB earns a year except to give an average income of the whole country. Also labelling a family as rural doesn’t mean they are automatically poor, rich counties give more while poor places don’t, there’s no uniform consistency.
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You know, sometimes it’s not only how much a person has to fork over for one wedding, but also how many weddings they have to attend. During September ‘08 through October holiday I was invited to 7 different weddings. An abnormal amount of co-workers were getting married. As you know, that meant 700 RMB out of my pocket, a sizeable chunk even for my paycheck.
I’ve also been told that although 100 RMB is the base amount to give at a wedding, this number is supposed to go up based on how well you know the couple getting married as well as your job position and salary. For instance, our school headmaster gives somewhere between 200-300 because of his salary and position, while a bride’s best friend might fork over 500+ just because they’re so close.
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