Click Here to Subsribe to the 'Ask Jean about China' Feed Dear Jean,
Late new year greetings from western China. I am the lone foreign teacher in a small private school out here. It was kind of strange at first but now I’m starting to like it. I’ll get right to the point. Supposedly, I work with 10 Chinese ‘English’ teachers but believe it or not, there is only one who can really communicate well with me in English. Her English name is Lucy and she is quite an attractive girl. I have to say that I kind of like her and it seems that the feeling is (or I hope it is) mutual.
I guess you can probably figure out my question by now. I want to ask her out. I really really do. And I think she wants to be asked out too. I am definitely not shy and in any other situation, I would have taken her out weeks ago. I am just sure if it is appropriate in my present situation or how the other staff would feel about it. Any thoughts about this? Anything would be greatly appreciated.
Cheers,
Bruce
Jean answers Bruce’s question
Dear Bruce,
The first thing that I would like to do as I answer your question is to take the whole ‘China’ aspect out of it for a moment. Let’s say that you are back in your home country and you are facing the same situation. Even there, I would urge you to be careful about dating your workmates because if ‘things’ don’t go well, you would most likely face a lot of drama and heartache at work.
With that said, you made it clear that if you were home, you would have asked her out weeks ago. Ok, so you think you could handle all the drama if things didn’t go well. I believe you.
Now, let’s put you back in China. If you date this girl and something goes wrong, you may be dealing with something entirely different here – especially if you can’t speak the Chinese language. She could spread rumors about you amongst your co-workers, say terrible things to your boss, and make your life ‘living hell.’ And depending on how good your Chinese is, you may never even know what was said. But you will feel it.
Neither you nor I know for sure that she would do this, but the language barrier could really work in her advantage and cause trouble for you if things didn’t work out. Simply put, it’s better to not date your Chinese co-workers.
Of course, if you like her that much, you will naturally ignore my advice and ask her out anyway. In case you do that, you may want to check out an article called Dating and Sex in China written some months ago by our own Robert Vance. I certainly don’t agree 100% with his take on things but I do think he provides some helpful advice.
Good Luck!
Sincerely,
Jean
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Well if I was you, I would tell her you want to take her on a English date, not for love but for you to learn about Chinese and for her to learn English and see how that goes. tell her to ask a one of her girl friends to go with you 2, and may be you can speak of boy friend and girl friends in china, then you can find out if she has a boy friend, I find most girls have them but never say, like my boss she is married but she told every one new that come to my university she is alone.
After some time you can just date with her on an English date, tell her you like the time you have. with what I know most Chinese girls want to feel safe with a man more then love, so if she can see you just want to look only at her all the time, she will trust you and even if it don’t work out she may never say bad things about you, if she had that feeling of safe at the start then love, as if she told bad things about you to others she will only make her self look bad to. and when I come to sex well if you did most girls in china would hope you are going to marry them so if you did and it not work out then she is not going to say to much to her work mates it will make her look bad as you can work where you like she can not. I hope this helps
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well it depends , u can date her and lose ur job or create problems to her and urself,unless u wana date her secretly ,budy the above suggestions are good for u.i hope u r not also going to play with her heart when u later find u made the wrong choice…..good luck , i know how u feel being there alone and she is the only one available,play ur games well, the stars might be with u
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@Bruce: Even in the West, we routinely say, “Never crap where you eat.” Not to say that you would “crap” on the young lady, but I believe you get the point. Magnus and J-Mack are on point. Enjoy a nice, healthy PLATONIC relationship *first* — including getting a sense of her parents and any siblings if you can — and then see if you can transition to another work setting, as we “laowai” generally have much more employment flexibility than the Chinese do. So SLOW YOUR ROLL, buddy! And enjoy the journey….
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Since you haven’t been in China for a while… she should be your friend who can show you around and introduce the Chinese culture to you. If you immediately get into a romantic relationship with her than there is so much that you will miss. Check your motivation and make sure you are reading her right. Do a group date first. Don’t be another stupid “chinabounder” and confirm EVERY TEACHER AT YOUR SCHOOL’s opinion about foreigners.
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I would advise getting a transfer to another school as close by as possible, so that you are not working in the same ‘environment’ as her…Then ask her out, as you will no longer be trying to have an inter-office romance, with all the complicatioms that brings. Or perhaps she could get a transfer to another job nearby.
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I’d wait a while, learn a little more about the culture and gain a little more experience of the place you’re in. Also talk to other guys who have been involved in cross-cultural relationships. Their advice will be far better than anyone who is just guessing.
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