Click Here to Subsribe to the 'Ask Jean about China' Feed Dear Jean,
My Chinese girlfriend (of 5 months) is asking me to go to her hometown for the Spring Festival. At first I thought it was a great idea but now I am not so sure. My best Chinese friend here tells me that going home with a girl during Spring Festival could send the wrong message to my girlfriend and her parents. I do love her but I don’t think that our relationship is that serious. Please give me some advice. I am afraid that if I don’t go, I may hurt her feelings.
Best Holiday Wishes,
Neil
Jean answers Neil’s question
Dear Neil,
You should probably take your friend’s advice. Many (not all) families in China would take your presence at Spring Festival as a sign of a serious relationship. Do not forget that not only would you be seeing your girlfriend’s parents but you would also be meeting her extended family as well. Spring Festival in China is a very special time for the ‘family’ so if you go back with your girlfriend, you will probably be treated as one of the family.
Do not worry about hurting her feelings. If you simply explain to her why you do not want to go, she should be able to understand you perfectly. She should know (certainly better than you do) what the significance is of having you go to her hometown during this important holiday. It also may be a good time to talk about your relationship and make sure that you both are on the ’same page’ when it comes to where you think it is headed.
Find something else to do during Spring Festival. I always like to do a little ‘exploring’ during the holidays. Don’t be afraid to hop on a train and check out the province next door.
Hope that helps you and good luck.
Sincerely,
Jean
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Tell me if this sounds familiar: Young 18 year old girl meets a foreigner, falls madly in love, spends half a year as his lover/gf. Foreigner f—s anyone else he can find in the meantime and then leaves for another city or goes back home. Girl goes to pieces, cries her eyes out every night waiting for him to come back as he said he would, ends up spending 3-4 nights a week in laowai bars, sleeps with a lot of different foreigners and gets the girl-of-the-day tag who anyone can f— but noone wants as a gf. It gets really bad real quick and I have met quite a few of this kinda girl in China. They botch up their education, they don’t want anything to do with Chinese guys, they have no or few friends coz of their lifestyle, they get emotionally hollow and I hate to think what they might end up as unless they get their life back on track or find the holy grail in their eyes: a laowai who will love them and enter into a serious relationship with them
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@Vince,
I can see your point. Certainly not all families would expect a marriage proposal if you go home with your GF at Spring Festival. It depends on how ‘traditional’ the parents are and what their daughter is telling them before they come. However, as Neil wrote in his letter to Jean, he doesn’t think the relationship is very serious at this point which probably means he’s not interested in becoming engaged.
@Espero,
Good advice. The problem is, even if the guy thinks that they are just friends, what does the girl think and what is she tellin g her parents? It’s all about expectations.
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i think it is not good for both of them, if they are just friends it is ok to visit, no body should tell u to go, the girl knows what she is doing if u agree to go then she knows that the future is good ,and what will she tell the parents? so please dont go,if u like her dont go,if u hope for a future with her ,then u can go.your going will hurt her more if u have no intention for the future.it is very normal that during this period both boys and girls are expected by their parents to introduce a boy or girl friend to the family, or as well go home to look for a partner,so introducing u to the family ….????????
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I disagree. If you think you would like have a real learning experience and find out for yourself what her family is like and more about her culture, then by all means go with her.
Don’t worry about how others interpret you. Only your own intentions count because in a world of 6 billion people you can only follow your own compass or you’ll get lost.
People see your foreign contenance and automatically cut you some slack (benefit of a doubt) about not understanding their culture. If don’t end up taking a knee and popping the question, they will justify the events in their minds by thinking you didn’t know the custom.
No one can tell the future. After meeting her folks you might want to marry her. Or you might want to run for your life! (actually, better yet watch how she interacts in her “home” court. and you’ll figure out what makes her tick inside) Wanna know how she’ll be and look in 20 years? Look at her mom!
There’s a risk to everything but the worse risk is to get engaged before meeting her folks and finding out it was a huge mistake. (although you can break off an engagement, she’ll be even more hurt if that is you original premise for not going)
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Right-on ! Brother Josh, Jean had the good advice alright.
And yours is even better !
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Good advice. I’ve heard many of my friends say that going to your girlfriend/boyfriend’s home for Spring Festival is nearly tantamount to an engagement.
As for traveling during Spring Festival? You’re crazy! There’s no “hopping” on a train during the Spring Festival…there’s shoving, cramming, and wishing you were somewhere else. The only traveling that should be done during the Spring Festival (unless you’re a glutton for punishment or have some awesome secret you need to tell everybody) is travel OUT of the country. Go to Japan, the Philippines, Vietnam or something like that. South is warm and there’s no 5 billion-person migration going on like there is in China.
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