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Who Should Pay for Dinner in China?

I do not remember paying for anything during my first month of teaching in China. Whether I was eating dinner, playing badminton, singing at KTV, or watching a movie at the local theater, one of my Chinese friends would always ‘pick up the tab.’ If I started to pull money out of my wallet, my friends would wave frantically at me to stop as if the sight of my money could possibly ruin the evening. At least for the first month, I was a guest in their country, and as such, I was not allowed to pay for even a bottle of water. Instead, I would watch as my Chinese friends and colleagues engaged each other in a hilarious battle to see who would succeed in paying the bill. All kinds of techniques were used such as sneaking off to ‘use the bathroom’ or literally throwing money at the cashier. It was then that I knew I had a lot to learn about Chinese culture.

Since those early days in China, I have paid many bills. As my friendships with Chinese colleagues developed and deepened they gradually allowed me to participate and even win occassionally in their little game of “who will pay this time?” That is in fact exactly what this is; a game. No one person ever succeeds in paying for dinner all the time. While Chinese people may make a big show over trying to pay the bill, there is an informal ‘rotation’ that exists amongst close Chinese friends. Usually, everyone knows exactly who is going to pay for the meal before the first set of chopsticks are removed from its packaging. No matter what, however, most Chinese people (men in particular) will at least make a motion for their wallet at the end of a meal.

The concept of ’saving’ or ‘gaining’ face, which in fact originates from China, is what fuels the Chinese people’s attempts to pay for everything. A Chinese friend of mine recently admitted, however, that this ‘game’ is really just a show. He explained to me that it is all about how you appear in front of your friends. Not at least offering to pay for a meal or a night at the badminton court can cause someone to lose face in China or simply put, lose respect. Everyone is expected to play the game in China.

It took me a while to get used to the fact that in China, people rarely go ‘dutch’ when it comes to food and entertainment. I always felt a little guilty that one of my Chinese colleagues, who was probably earning 1/5 of my salary, had to pay for everything. But I soon came to realize that they were not just doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. They knew that such kindness would be reciprocated to them in the near future.

If you are a new teacher in China, do not worry if everyone pays for you in the first month; allow them to treat you as a guest of China. This brings them great pleasure.  Later, after you have settled in and feel more comfortable with the culture, you can join in the fun and offer to pay. When your Chinese friends begin allowing you to ‘pick up the tab’ everyone in a while, you can be sure that ‘you are in’ and that they truly consider you to be a friend.

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