The China Teaching Web

“My mother has never told me that she loves me,” explained a 23-year-old Chinese friend of mine recently. “She doesn’t have to say the words because she shows me her love through her actions.” Such perceptions on the meaning of love are common in China, a country where in traditional culture, sweet flowery words are often viewed as meaningless and insincere. Even the actions of ‘hugging and kissing’ are not common between parents and children in China; emotional embraces and putting one’s mouth on another’s face are simply not seen as a comfortable or respectful way of greeting each other even in a very close knit family.  While some in the West, who view physical contact as an integral part of any family relationship, may frown upon this lack of ‘closeness,’ one who spends any amount of time in China will discover  soon discover that love is and always has been expressed in many different ways.

In the not so distant past in China, the process of having and raising a child was a perilous one for many families. Low wages combined with food scarcity often made it very difficult for the average Chinese parents to put three meals on the table everyday. A Chinese mother had to take on the task of raising her children, feeding her family, and in many cases, working a side job to help bring in more income. Because of a lack of variety, the task of feeding a family in China was often a daily excersise in creativity. One of my friends recalls a time when her mother used to go outside her house to dig “for roots” to use in soups for dinner. The priority of any Chinese mom in an impoverished environment was to do her best to feed her husband and children with the little resources that she had. A Chinese mother would often be up at 5:00 in the morning to fetch water and prepare breakfast for her family. In addition to watching the family, cooking, and holding down a side job, a Chinese mom was expected to knit clothes for her husband and children as well. Thus, great sacrifices were made by Chinese mothers to make sure that their families could survive in such a harsh economic environment.

Of course many other sacrifices had to be made as the children got older. Until recently, China’s public schools were not free for all children. Even though the fee per semester was only 300-400 RMB per child, such an amount of money had the potential to break many poor families. Some parents were simply unable to send their kids to school; many others, however, managed to scrape up the extra money by working very long hours and even further tightening an already tight budget. Again, the brunt of such sacrifices were often born on the shoulders of Chinese mothers who had to juggle so many responsibilities in order to give their children a chance to have bright futures. Additional sacrifices had to be made if it was decided that the child would go to the university. Such a decision would often dictate that the mother would have to find a full time job and send her child money every month.

Until recently, life for most mothers in China was such that it never allowed them to think about ‘pampering’ themselves or ‘going out with their husbands for a night on the town.’ Life was all about survival for an average Chinese mother; there was no time to dream about what life could have been like. Singlemindedness and determination were the keys that allowed Chinese mothers to keep ‘the ship afloat.’ Perhaps this is why emotional displays of affection were never accepted in traditional Chinese culture; there simply was no time to engage in such behavior. For a Chinese mother, the best way to show love for her family was through her ‘labor of love.’

Much has changed in the Chinese family unit over the past 20 years. While poverty continues to cast a dark shadow over certain areas of China, the constant fight to ’survive’ is not as prevalent in this developing country as it once was. With a less restricted economy and more capital flowing in from other countries, there are many opportunities to make a decent living in China without having to ‘break one’s back’. Many Chinese mothers are able to stay at home with their young children and participate in extracurricular activities such as dancing or learning English. However, there are millions of adults, young and old, who still remember the hard times and the incredible sacrifices that their parents made even when the future seemed so incredibly dark in China. While the word “love” may not be uttered often, I sense in my friends and students a deep sense of appreciation for their mothers. I believe that they recognize that if it were not for their mothers’ love of family and country, the prosperity and level of development that China is experiencing today would never have been possible. Chinese mothers deserve to be recognized on this special day for their vital contribution to happier times in China today. Happy Mother’s Day from the China Teaching Web!